What Do I Remind You Of?

I remind you of the last heart you thrashed. I remind you of your love. I remind you of the last meal that you ate. I remind you of the dessert you've been dying to have. I remind you of the stink of the last public toilet you cruised in. I remind you of the best sex you've ever had. I remind you of hell on earth. I remind you of your last shot of vodka before you passed out. I remind you of blue balls and bruises. I remind you of coffee gone cold. I remind you of the love you lost. I remind you of the guy you can't have. I remind you of the man who came on your face and left you all hard and hurting. I remind you of alcohol on your open wound. I remind you of cake icing on your face. I remind you of dirty esteros. I remind you of the stench of your own shit.

I am all that you hate, all that you love. I am all that you want, and all that you find repulsive. I am both dark and light. I am both cold and warm. I am everywhere. You are helpless. Don't fight back.

You Don't Need Me No More

You don’t need me no more. That’s what I was so afraid to face this past few weeks. I wanted to think that this is just another storm which I have to endure until the sun shines again. But there’s the rub. It’s something that I have to endure—alone. While you are out gallivanting with your friends, I just sit here praying you’ll be safe, preparing your bed, keeping your house, waiting for you to come home. I basked in the thought that whatever sleazy activities you get yourself into, you’ll come home to me in one piece, that you’ll always be mine, and that I will be your one and only baby. I was in denial.

You don’t need me anymore. Not now. Not ever. What you need are your friends. I have held back all thoughts that they are nothing but bad influences to you. I thought I had no right to judge their character because I do not know them. And they are your friends. I value your judgment more than anything. No, I will not compare myself with them. I do not feel insecure with them. Not anymore. But this is what I have to say. What I know from what you told me is that you get to be yourself with them more than you are with me. Your friends are proving to be better company to that side of you that you want to explore.

You don’t need me anymore. What you need are the men in your life. The men that you meet in the gym, on the Net, in the FX, or in whatever place you go cruising, these are the people whom you want to spend your time with. I again assume that you choose fleeting moments of bliss over a lifetime of friendship bonded by love and respect. However bad I feel about your choice, I know that you are intelligent and strong enough to face its consequences.

You don’t need me anymore. What you need is your “gay life”. All I can give you are tender hugs and kisses in the movie house, a warm embrace in public, ears to listen to all your stories however insignificant they are to me, my stories that are equally insignificant to you, and probably my whole lifetime if you let me. Now I understand that what you really need are wild sex in your friend’s pad with strangers, the company of friends who talk about nothing but boys and sex, whispers of “Ang sarap mo.” from a guy you barely know, and a lifetime of anonymous polygamous sex with other guys, lots of them one at a time or at the same time.

You don’t need me anymore. I say this without bitterness. I am not angry because of the choices you made. I am not even worried. I trust and love you better now. But as I promised, I will only be here until you don’t need me anymore. And I think this is the time. You don’t have to tell me to go.

My Angel

They say everyone has his own guardian angel. The angel knows your every move, saves you from danger, and takes care of you whenever and wherever. You and your angel are made for each other. He needs you as much as you need him. There can be no other angel for you except the one you are born with. You and your angel are like twins. Your angel cries when you cry. He is happy when you are happy. Your hearts are tied together by a delicate string called love. My guardian angel left me. His end of the string broke. I have no angel. Not now. Not ever.

All That You Need

I will be the home you’d yearn to come back to when you’re tired and have had your fun. I will be your calm, your sober, your sane. I will be your pillow, your pen, your shoes. I will be your mother, your father, your brother. I will be your friend, your sidekick, your lover. When you are ready, I will be all that you need.

All That You Are

Now that we are apart, I get to look at you in a different angle. I must say that so far, even if most of the time the discoveries hurt me, what I learn about you make me love you more. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the serious and the funny, everything about you that you reveal to me complete my image of you. I love everything that you were, everything that you are, and everything that you will be.

All As We Know Them to Be

You say you love me less. Why do I feel like I have never been loved as intensely as you do me now? You never tell me you love me anymore. But why do your kisses feel more passionate than before? You never call me baby anymore. But why does your touch feel like I’ve never been owned as selfishly as you do me now? I do not understand us. But if I start understanding, things will not be as sweet as we know them now to be.

Sending My Love

Will you let me tell you that I love you? Can I tell you that I want no one else but you? You don’t have to answer back. You don’t have to do anything. Just let me love you. Just let me take care of you. You must want to know why I’m doing this. I just want to.

You once told me you are not indispensable. And I believe so too. But the concept of indispensability is not for people or things that one values more than anything. You are neither dispensable nor indispensable. You are simply the air that I breathe, the breath that I want to smell in the morning, the touch that I want to feel, the embrace that keeps me warm, the grip that makes me not want to let go. And though present circumstances do not permit me to call you mine, when the time comes that your heart is ready to be loved again by me and me alone, I will be here waiting. But until that day comes, I will be content with sending my love to you from afar.

A MADagascar Afternoon

I lost my gym bag, all 10 lbs of it or thereabouts with 2 credit cards, 4 ATM cards, around 800 pesos, gym wear, Adidas water jug, and get this, my 20 gig iPod. And it was just literally seated beside me in SM Megamall Cinema 12.
Al and I were watching Madagascar. We were locked in embrace (Don’t ask why.), my back to my bag. There was nobody else seated in our row. There was a family seated behind us with kids and a man who I guess was in his 40s (It was dark. Hey. Cinema!?!). He was our suspect.
The movie was so funny you can just imagine how focused we were. Al was laughing like crazy and I was, well, I was busy.  Anyway, towards three-fourths of the film, the man started coughing mad. He was such a distraction but we didn’t mind. I noticed him transfer to the last seat on our row towards the inside aisle. He was still coughing. I didn’t think anything strange really. I didn’t feel any cause for alarm. There was a flurry of activities on the row behind us because of the kids. Right before the movie ends, I checked on my bag and it wasn’t there. And there was nobody seated on the row behind us anymore. Darn!
The loss wasn’t that bad really. I could apply for ID and card replacements. Hell, I could buy another iPod! On the contrary, I consider the experience priceless. There was something to be had from it. Aside from the obvious lessons (be careful with my belongings blah, blah, blah), it reminded me how it feels to be with Al. It felt so right. Despite how things turned out between us, what I felt during that afternoon made everything we’ve been through all worth it. If there is any loss I should feel bad about, it’s not my bag and what’s in it. It’s Al, my one and only baby.

Remnants

I still keep the waterjug you gave me beside me in bed so when i wake up in the middle of the night thirsty, i could just reach for it and drink. It used to be you i want to reach for when i wake up from a bad dream, when i feel scared, or when i can't sleep. But now that you've left, all i can feel in the dark are the remnants of what used to be us. The waterjug that you gave me for christmas, the paperweight that you brought from Zamboanga, the tiny teddy bear you gave me for Valentines. They are the only traces of you left in my life. I would like to think that at some point, these things actually meant something. I want to move on thinking that these things say that, before the water ebbed, before the sun set, before the flower wilted, i was once loved by you.

Drain or Recharge?

People either drain you or recharge you.
Those who drain you, they are those who frustrate, hurt, benefit from you without giving you anything in return. They are the exes who dumped you and yet continue to demand for your attention. They are the friends who talk and don't listen. They are the officemates who stretch your patience with their simple-mindedness. They are the lovers who don't love you back.
People who recharge you are those whose smiles don't fail to rub off on you. Their touch make you feel better. Their voice soothes your spirit, calms your body. They are the family you share laughters and tears with. They are the strangers who smile at you despite the anonymity. They are the officemates who thoughtfully ask you to have lunch with them so you don't have to eat alone. They are the friends who listen to your rantings about whatever. They are your bosses who give you a day off after crunch time. They are the lovers whose mere presence complete you.
So which are you?

I'm Over Him!!!

Two or three days ago, a good friend of mine was so excited to tell us how proud she was of her finally getting over this former officemate of ours who left her for the mother of his illegitimate daughter. How she got embroiled in that situation is a totally different story altogether. Now this friend of mine, after not having the inclination to talk to the guy for some time, finally was able to do that without, according to her, feeling anything for the guy anymore. Meaning, she felt totally indifferent to him, which is a sign that she’s finally over him. However, I noticed a different glow in her when she was telling us about the details of their conversation. She had a certain glow you’d probably associate only with bliss. But I believed her of course. I tend to take people’s words for their face value because I don’t think I should force my own reality to them. Anyway, just before lunch today, this same friend tells me how bad she felt about this news that she got from another friend/ex-officemate of ours about the same guy who broke her heart. Apparently, he and the supposed wife are not together anymore and that he’s living in with another girl who’s expecting a child as well. She felt bad about it but she maintains that she’s over him.
I tell her I understand why she feels that way. I’ve had the same experience when some bloke left me, telling me he realizes he’s not yet ready for a relationship (it came after almost a year) and then I find out after a few weeks that he’s going steady with somebody else. That made me really furious. If I’d seen him then, I would’ve crushed his balls. But that’s just because during that time, I was not yet over him. That’s my point. I wouldn’t have reacted at all, not have any tinge of feeling about the situation at all, if I were truly over him.
Like what I said, I don’t want to force my reality to my friend (She’s not reading this. I’m crossing my fingers.), but I really think that people only react to situations, events, people, and whatever which mean something to them. It’s their instinct to not give a care if they know there’s nothing in it for them. The natural reaction is for people to protect their own interests. I don’t blame her though for convincing us that she’s over him, however lame the effort to cover it up is. (Forgive me dear.) But that’s also part of her effort to protect herself.
I’ve been through what she’s experiencing right now. And judging from how things turned out for me, I know she will experience better days in the future. I just hope it happens really soon for her.

Chocolates=Happiness

What do chocolates do to you? Lately, they’ve had a comforting effect on me. They calm me down. They make me feel good about myself. They take away the bad vibes.
I read somewhere that chocolates have some content that releases the chemicals in the body that make people happy. I guess that’s the catch word for what chocolates do for me. They make me feel happy. So what am I writing this for? This is an announcement. I take chocolates for gifts. I know my birthday is still exactly a month from now but I don’t mind accepting gifts earlier.
But seriously, if that happiness-and-chocolates equation is true, wouldn’t it be a good idea to give every person special to you a piece of chocolate each?

a spark

I cannot find a single word that will express the whole spectrum of emotions I feel for you. I guess I just have to keep my fingers crossed and pray that whatever this is, it'll reach you wherever you go, whatever time it is, and whoever you are with. And even if I do not hear you echoe them back, I will send them your way still for I walk this earth, drink its water, and breathe its air because of you.

Awkward

That is how I describe myself socially. I am socially awkward. Being so probably strikes others as me being shy or a snob. I'm not shy. Heck. I could do cartwheels on stage--naked--and feel ok about it. So no I'm not shy. I'm not a snob either. I probably do look like one, considering my facial features (refer to pics). And I don't smile a lot. I don't wanna look like a looney all the time. hehehehe But no. I'm just that--socially awkward. How do I explain that?

Let me put it this way. When you put me in a room with somebody I don't know, I will never make the initiative to talk to that person. When you put me in a room with an acquaintance, the exchange of words will not start from me. I think that my problem is that I do not know how to connect. And if I do connect, I do not know how to sustain it.

Now has being socially awkward proven difficult for me? Well yes in a sense that it feels lonely sometimes having no one to talk to in the gym or while having lunch in the pantry. Or when I’m new somewhere, I find it hard to make acquaintances. But most of the time, no. One of the consequemce of being socially awkward is that I get all the chance to be with myself, to be alone in other words, and to actually like it. I actually enjoy being alone. In this sense I think my social awkwardness has benefited me. Plus, since I maintain a minimum number of social connections, I have developed a certain amount of independence.

Despite this, I acknowledge the fact that the world is huge and that it is inevitable that I make contact whether I like it or not. That is why developing my social skills is one of the projects I am working on right now. I see friends of mine who are not in the same situation as I am. I guess they're what you call the friendly type. I envy them because they seem to have friends everywhere they go.
Here's what I plan to do to be less socially awkward:
1. Always wear a smile. I guess this should be the first step. This would give the impression that I am friendly, or approachable at the least.
2. I would not mind making the first move. Still with a smile on my face, I will never hesitate to talk to people even if I don't know them.
3. I will remember names. I am so bad with names. People take it as a sign of goodwill if you remember their names.
4. I will eat lunch with other people. I usually prefer to eat my meals alone in the office. I realize that meals are naturally perfect means to socialize.
5. I will walk home with friends. I would have to suppress the loner in me. I think I have to practice being around other people and actually interact with them so I'd feel natural about it.

I hope these things do the trick.

On Man's Reactive Nature

“If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence.” Bertrand Russel

Post-Mortem: Christmas Presentation

I should've written about this right after the aftermath. But then again, it would turn-out bitter and angry perhaps. But now that I think I have healed already, I'd probably give you a clearer picture of what happened that fateful day of the company get-together.

Well I told you how I fussed over my department's presentation. The preparations all went well. We were so ready logistically and emotionally. I was in high spirits that day. It was the day we'd show them who it was to beat when it comes to pompous display of creativity and talent. But it bombed.

Everyone felt good while we were changing. I could sense nobody's nervous. At least no one seemed nervous. When it was time to go out, my adrenaline reached its height. I was doting on everyone to give their best. We were called. We were on stage. And then it happened. We couldn't hear anything. That was crucial. Our acting relied heavily on the audio. It was downhill from there. It went that way for some 5 minutes I think. The actors were guessing what they're supposed to do. I even made the mistook of cueing two actors to go on stage when in fact it was another actor and my scene that's supposed to be on. That was a bummer. The whole thing was. And then what I feared most while we were preparing happened---the curtain fell, literally.

We were going nowhere but near disaster. Our managers had no other choice but to cut the performance altogether. There was no way we could hack it, what with the faulty audio and all. I couldn't help but cry. It was painful, especially since we devoted so much time and energy to it. All of it was for nothing.

Well not really. The experience was very humbling. I must admit I thought myself great,and that we were unbeatable in these territories. The thing is, even if we were, things will not always turn out good. And there will always be others better than we were, maybe not in terms of talent or creativity, but in terms of circumstance or logistics or whatever. The best performance I saw that day was not even close to what I imagined a good performance should be. They didn't have elaborate costumes or magnificent choreographies. Their concept was even a rip off. But they were prepared. They were organized. They had the equipment. they were in control. I guess next time we should concentrate on these things as well. Til next year.

Karanasan sa Bahay Bulilit

Habang ang lahat ay abala sa programa, ako naman ay nakikipag-usap sa ilang mga batang tahimik na nakaupo sa tabi ko. Nakilala ko si Angie at si Martha na parehong bihis na bihis. Ngunit di katulad ng ibang mga bata na nakasuot ng polo o blouse, yun bang bihis na panlinggo kung tawagin, sila Angie at Martha ay naka-gown. Tunay nga namang pormang pang-sagala ang kanilang dating.
Nakilala ko rin si Martin. Mukhang siya’y limang taon na. Siya’y mukhang malusog at dahil sa medyo mangitim-ngitim ang kanyang balat, sa palagay ko’y maaaring oras ang ginugugol niya sa paglalaro sa ilalim ng araw. Iisipin ko sanang di siya kakaiba sa iba pang mga bata kundi sa nakagugulat na tanong niya sa akin. Habang kausap ko ang isa pa sa kanila, lumapit itong sa Martin sa akin at itinanong kung ako raw ba ay bakla. Natigalgal ako sa kanyang tanong. Di ko akalain na sa murang gulang nya na iyon, may binhi na ng ideya ng pagkabakla sa kanyang kamalayan. Natakot ako na kapag inamin ko sa kanya, magulo ko ang konsepto niya ng sekswalidad. Natakot ako na baka matakot siya sa akin. Sinabi kong ako’y hindi bakla.
Marahil di siya nakuntento sa sagot ko sa tanong niya sa akin. Ilang sandali lamang ay narinig ko siyang kinakausap si Peter. Itinanong din niya ang tanong niya sa akin. “Bakla ba kayo?” Sumagot si Peter na may ngiti sa kanyang labi. “Oo, bakla kami.” Tumalikod lamang si Martin. Nagtuloy sa kanyang pakikipagharutan sa ibang mga bata na parang walang nangyari.
Di ko masabi kung anong konsepto ng pagkabakla mayroon siya. Di na mahalaga iyon. At least hindi pa dahil bata pa siya. Ngunit kung anuman iyong ideyang iyon, tayong mga nakatatanda ang dapat magbigay gabay sa mga batang ito kung paano mag-iisip ng tama tungkol sa mga bakla. Inosente ang tanong na ito sa akin ni Martin, ngunit ang reaksyon ko sa inosenteng tanong nya na iyon ang maaaring magsabi sa kanya kung paano buuin sa kamalayan niya ang konsepto ng pagkabakla. Maaaring ang sagot ko sa tanong nya ang magbibigay kahulugan sa utak niya ng kung ano ang bakla.

*This is the write-up I submitted for posting on the Web site that documents our outreach program last December in Bahay Bulilit.

Recording

Today has to be one of the most tiring days of december for me so far. My team went to the Communications Foundation whetever in Sta. Mesa where we did our voice recording for our Christmas presentation. The recording itself went smoothly. We spent two hours for the recording of the dialogs. We plan to do the mixing and final editing and cutting in-house.
I sort of directed the voice recording session. I also did the voice of Reyna Valeriana. Yes I did the voice of the queen. We wanted her to sound like a gay man for humor. The thing is, I think my voice turned out sounding more like a woman's. oh well. The whole recorded material was 24 minutes long. And the presenattion has to be 7 minutes only. That's the next thing we would have to work on now. Jhena the scriptwriter has suggested several dialogs which we can delete. My instruction to the editor is to just lay out everything and then we'll do the cutting afterwards. Whew!! We still have a long way to go. Looking forward to practicing the stage actors. Probably on Wednesday. it has to be Wednesday.

Saturday

I took a diagnostic exam this morning on business writing. It was part of HR's program to improve employee competency, this time on honing corporate communications skills. The exam was pretty fun. Employees with rank 4 and 5 were asked to take the exam. These people were at the supervisorial to managerial levels. I could sense apprehension from the people in the room. Pretty understandable considering the fact that most of these people have not taken an exam for years. It was peanuts to my opinion. I guess I have our almost weekly Textbook Editorial workshops and exams on grammar and editing to thank for that.

Moving on to another topic, I am sort of looking forward to today. I plan to go to Divisoria after lunch to do my Christams shopping. I'll be buying gifts for my mga inaanak. I plan to scout for some things i could use for my hat and costume for our company get-together. I just hope it doesn't rain. The sky looks pretty gloomy outside. I'm crossing my fingers. :-)

Christmas Project

There are two things that are keeping me really busy and very excited about this Christmas season. One is the Christmas party our department is throwing for the kids of Bahay Bulilit, a day-care center in Makati along C5. The kids there come from the less-fortunate families in the area. This is going to be the first time our group is doing something of this kind. We thought of making this year's Christmas party different, and probably more meaningful than the usual kris-kringle we do among ourselves. It's also going to be some sort of thanksgiving for the past year's bountiful blessings. The party's scheduled on the 17th in the afternoon. We prepared a full program for the kids. This project has a spot in my heart. I dunno. I like kids. And I miss the kids that I left in Bulacan. The Bahay Bulilit gig would sort of remind me how it feels to have kids around me again.

This other big event I'm looking forward to is the company Christmas party on the 21st. There's talk that this year's get-together party---yeah that's how management wants to call it and not Christmas party---is going to be a relatively modest one compared to last year but personally it doesn't matter. Whether it's gonna be a big one or not, the more exciting part for me is the chance for me to strut all my stuff. You see, I'm the showbiz type. I pine for the limelight. Publicity, big or small, is still publicity. I'm gonna be playing big roles in the party. I'd be hosting together with my friend Jhena. I'm also part of the team preparing for our department's presentation. You see, the Editorial Department has been the force to reckon with when it comes to presentations. We have a proven track record of wins. In fact, our department won the first prize in last year's get-together presentation. But, well, since this year's gig is going to be modest, management decided not to make the presentation competitive, at least not in monetary value. I think what's at stake this year is reputation. And my department is out to prove our supremacy when it comes to artistic endeavours like this.

We're in the midst of preparations now. I'd tell you more about it in the coming days. :-)