Thursday, June 30, 2005

What Do I Remind You Of?

I remind you of the last heart you thrashed. I remind you of your love. I remind you of the last meal that you ate. I remind you of the dessert you've been dying to have. I remind you of the stink of the last public toilet you cruised in. I remind you of the best sex you've ever had. I remind you of hell on earth. I remind you of your last shot of vodka before you passed out. I remind you of blue balls and bruises. I remind you of coffee gone cold. I remind you of the love you lost. I remind you of the guy you can't have. I remind you of the man who came on your face and left you all hard and hurting. I remind you of alcohol on your open wound. I remind you of cake icing on your face. I remind you of dirty esteros. I remind you of the stench of your own shit.

I am all that you hate, all that you love. I am all that you want, and all that you find repulsive. I am both dark and light. I am both cold and warm. I am everywhere. You are helpless. Don't fight back.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

You Don't Need Me No More

You don’t need me no more. That’s what I was so afraid to face this past few weeks. I wanted to think that this is just another storm which I have to endure until the sun shines again. But there’s the rub. It’s something that I have to endure—alone. While you are out gallivanting with your friends, I just sit here praying you’ll be safe, preparing your bed, keeping your house, waiting for you to come home. I basked in the thought that whatever sleazy activities you get yourself into, you’ll come home to me in one piece, that you’ll always be mine, and that I will be your one and only baby. I was in denial.

You don’t need me anymore. Not now. Not ever. What you need are your friends. I have held back all thoughts that they are nothing but bad influences to you. I thought I had no right to judge their character because I do not know them. And they are your friends. I value your judgment more than anything. No, I will not compare myself with them. I do not feel insecure with them. Not anymore. But this is what I have to say. What I know from what you told me is that you get to be yourself with them more than you are with me. Your friends are proving to be better company to that side of you that you want to explore.

You don’t need me anymore. What you need are the men in your life. The men that you meet in the gym, on the Net, in the FX, or in whatever place you go cruising, these are the people whom you want to spend your time with. I again assume that you choose fleeting moments of bliss over a lifetime of friendship bonded by love and respect. However bad I feel about your choice, I know that you are intelligent and strong enough to face its consequences.

You don’t need me anymore. What you need is your “gay life”. All I can give you are tender hugs and kisses in the movie house, a warm embrace in public, ears to listen to all your stories however insignificant they are to me, my stories that are equally insignificant to you, and probably my whole lifetime if you let me. Now I understand that what you really need are wild sex in your friend’s pad with strangers, the company of friends who talk about nothing but boys and sex, whispers of “Ang sarap mo.” from a guy you barely know, and a lifetime of anonymous polygamous sex with other guys, lots of them one at a time or at the same time.

You don’t need me anymore. I say this without bitterness. I am not angry because of the choices you made. I am not even worried. I trust and love you better now. But as I promised, I will only be here until you don’t need me anymore. And I think this is the time. You don’t have to tell me to go.

My Angel

They say everyone has his own guardian angel. The angel knows your every move, saves you from danger, and takes care of you whenever and wherever. You and your angel are made for each other. He needs you as much as you need him. There can be no other angel for you except the one you are born with. You and your angel are like twins. Your angel cries when you cry. He is happy when you are happy. Your hearts are tied together by a delicate string called love. My guardian angel left me. His end of the string broke. I have no angel. Not now. Not ever.

Monday, June 20, 2005

All That You Need

I will be the home you’d yearn to come back to when you’re tired and have had your fun. I will be your calm, your sober, your sane. I will be your pillow, your pen, your shoes. I will be your mother, your father, your brother. I will be your friend, your sidekick, your lover. When you are ready, I will be all that you need.

All That You Are

Now that we are apart, I get to look at you in a different angle. I must say that so far, even if most of the time the discoveries hurt me, what I learn about you make me love you more. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the serious and the funny, everything about you that you reveal to me complete my image of you. I love everything that you were, everything that you are, and everything that you will be.

All As We Know Them to Be

You say you love me less. Why do I feel like I have never been loved as intensely as you do me now? You never tell me you love me anymore. But why do your kisses feel more passionate than before? You never call me baby anymore. But why does your touch feel like I’ve never been owned as selfishly as you do me now? I do not understand us. But if I start understanding, things will not be as sweet as we know them now to be.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sending My Love

Will you let me tell you that I love you? Can I tell you that I want no one else but you? You don’t have to answer back. You don’t have to do anything. Just let me love you. Just let me take care of you. You must want to know why I’m doing this. I just want to.

You once told me you are not indispensable. And I believe so too. But the concept of indispensability is not for people or things that one values more than anything. You are neither dispensable nor indispensable. You are simply the air that I breathe, the breath that I want to smell in the morning, the touch that I want to feel, the embrace that keeps me warm, the grip that makes me not want to let go. And though present circumstances do not permit me to call you mine, when the time comes that your heart is ready to be loved again by me and me alone, I will be here waiting. But until that day comes, I will be content with sending my love to you from afar.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

A MADagascar Afternoon

I lost my gym bag, all 10 lbs of it or thereabouts with 2 credit cards, 4 ATM cards, around 800 pesos, gym wear, Adidas water jug, and get this, my 20 gig iPod. And it was just literally seated beside me in SM Megamall Cinema 12.
Al and I were watching Madagascar. We were locked in embrace (Don’t ask why.), my back to my bag. There was nobody else seated in our row. There was a family seated behind us with kids and a man who I guess was in his 40s (It was dark. Hey. Cinema!?!). He was our suspect.
The movie was so funny you can just imagine how focused we were. Al was laughing like crazy and I was, well, I was busy.  Anyway, towards three-fourths of the film, the man started coughing mad. He was such a distraction but we didn’t mind. I noticed him transfer to the last seat on our row towards the inside aisle. He was still coughing. I didn’t think anything strange really. I didn’t feel any cause for alarm. There was a flurry of activities on the row behind us because of the kids. Right before the movie ends, I checked on my bag and it wasn’t there. And there was nobody seated on the row behind us anymore. Darn!
The loss wasn’t that bad really. I could apply for ID and card replacements. Hell, I could buy another iPod! On the contrary, I consider the experience priceless. There was something to be had from it. Aside from the obvious lessons (be careful with my belongings blah, blah, blah), it reminded me how it feels to be with Al. It felt so right. Despite how things turned out between us, what I felt during that afternoon made everything we’ve been through all worth it. If there is any loss I should feel bad about, it’s not my bag and what’s in it. It’s Al, my one and only baby.


I still keep the waterjug you gave me beside me in bed so when i wake up in the middle of the night thirsty, i could just reach for it and drink. It used to be you i want to reach for when i wake up from a bad dream, when i feel scared, or when i can't sleep. But now that you've left, all i can feel in the dark are the remnants of what used to be us. The waterjug that you gave me for christmas, the paperweight that you brought from Zamboanga, the tiny teddy bear you gave me for Valentines. They are the only traces of you left in my life. I would like to think that at some point, these things actually meant something. I want to move on thinking that these things say that, before the water ebbed, before the sun set, before the flower wilted, i was once loved by you.

Drain or Recharge?

People either drain you or recharge you.
Those who drain you, they are those who frustrate, hurt, benefit from you without giving you anything in return. They are the exes who dumped you and yet continue to demand for your attention. They are the friends who talk and don't listen. They are the officemates who stretch your patience with their simple-mindedness. They are the lovers who don't love you back.
People who recharge you are those whose smiles don't fail to rub off on you. Their touch make you feel better. Their voice soothes your spirit, calms your body. They are the family you share laughters and tears with. They are the strangers who smile at you despite the anonymity. They are the officemates who thoughtfully ask you to have lunch with them so you don't have to eat alone. They are the friends who listen to your rantings about whatever. They are your bosses who give you a day off after crunch time. They are the lovers whose mere presence complete you.
So which are you?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I'm Over Him!!!

Two or three days ago, a good friend of mine was so excited to tell us how proud she was of her finally getting over this former officemate of ours who left her for the mother of his illegitimate daughter. How she got embroiled in that situation is a totally different story altogether. Now this friend of mine, after not having the inclination to talk to the guy for some time, finally was able to do that without, according to her, feeling anything for the guy anymore. Meaning, she felt totally indifferent to him, which is a sign that she’s finally over him. However, I noticed a different glow in her when she was telling us about the details of their conversation. She had a certain glow you’d probably associate only with bliss. But I believed her of course. I tend to take people’s words for their face value because I don’t think I should force my own reality to them. Anyway, just before lunch today, this same friend tells me how bad she felt about this news that she got from another friend/ex-officemate of ours about the same guy who broke her heart. Apparently, he and the supposed wife are not together anymore and that he’s living in with another girl who’s expecting a child as well. She felt bad about it but she maintains that she’s over him.
I tell her I understand why she feels that way. I’ve had the same experience when some bloke left me, telling me he realizes he’s not yet ready for a relationship (it came after almost a year) and then I find out after a few weeks that he’s going steady with somebody else. That made me really furious. If I’d seen him then, I would’ve crushed his balls. But that’s just because during that time, I was not yet over him. That’s my point. I wouldn’t have reacted at all, not have any tinge of feeling about the situation at all, if I were truly over him.
Like what I said, I don’t want to force my reality to my friend (She’s not reading this. I’m crossing my fingers.), but I really think that people only react to situations, events, people, and whatever which mean something to them. It’s their instinct to not give a care if they know there’s nothing in it for them. The natural reaction is for people to protect their own interests. I don’t blame her though for convincing us that she’s over him, however lame the effort to cover it up is. (Forgive me dear.) But that’s also part of her effort to protect herself.
I’ve been through what she’s experiencing right now. And judging from how things turned out for me, I know she will experience better days in the future. I just hope it happens really soon for her.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


What do chocolates do to you? Lately, they’ve had a comforting effect on me. They calm me down. They make me feel good about myself. They take away the bad vibes.
I read somewhere that chocolates have some content that releases the chemicals in the body that make people happy. I guess that’s the catch word for what chocolates do for me. They make me feel happy. So what am I writing this for? This is an announcement. I take chocolates for gifts. I know my birthday is still exactly a month from now but I don’t mind accepting gifts earlier.
But seriously, if that happiness-and-chocolates equation is true, wouldn’t it be a good idea to give every person special to you a piece of chocolate each?