Monday, February 19, 2007

Going Public: Dear Baby

Thank you for being there. You restored my self-esteem, my worth. Thank you for looking at me the way you do. Thank you for smiling at me like I am the best boyfriend in the world. Thank you for being patient with me, my work, my quirks. Thank you for putting up with my bitchiness. Thank you for caring. Thank you for waiting.

I want to say sorry for being me. I am sorry that I can’t love you the way you love me. I am sorry that I can’t give you the attention and the time. I am sorry that I take you for granted. I am sorry that I can’t be passionate. I am sorry that I am in love with somebody else, even if I know that you are much deserving.

Even if I don’t want to admit it, you are the best boyfriend I could ever have. But I am sorry because no matter what I do, my heart keeps going back to him. I can teach my mind to think of you, but I can never tell my heart to love you as much as I love him.

My heart knows how much I owe you for saving me. You are my light at the end of the tunnel, the voice that gives me direction in the wilderness. But when I look at your handsome face, I see not you but him. When I hold your hand, it’s his warmth that I feel. And when I kiss you, his lips are what touches mine in my mind.

My life is a sad love story. You know that. I am a hand-me-down. I am perpetually in waiting. I am always somebody else’s reserve. And then you came. Baby, you will not be mine until my heart starts to want to own you. But baby, I will not ask you to hold on. When you are tired, or when it starts to hurt, you can go. But thank you for offering your heart to me, even if you know how bastardized and beaten I am.

No comments: