Sunday, December 17, 2006

Shitty



If you are personally involved in this, stay away. Don't read.

"I'm not singular anymore. For 24 years, I've been looking for that person to love and share my life. I don't get into relationships back then just to experience it. I was looking for something serious and not just fun. We found each other. You found me ranting and bitching about my life, I found you there completely understanding and honest. You discovered my imperfections and I hope that you'll stay with me. I'll find ways to be better for you. Medyo natatakot lang ako na it's unfair for you. Alam mo na, di ako out and that someday, you want everyone to know about us. I can't promise anything today but to step by step, be open about my discreet identity. Unafraid to holg your hand in public, take you out on a romantic dinner, even just kiss you before I ride the bus home. Di naman PDA pero at some point, I want to show everyone, ny family, friends, and the people around us that I love you. I'll find ways to make this easier."

This made me cry when my baby texted me this a few hours after we became officially us. I took him to the bus stop on his way home. After three weeks, he breaks up with me because according to him, these past few days, he's realized that we cannot be happy together. Three reasons. (1) My selos issues, (2) my party boy comment when he raised the topic of partying in a gay scene, and (3) the fact that he prioritizes his job over me. He adds that he thought I totally don't understand him. And that he is new to the gay scene, hence, he'd want to explore it, making him not ready to "settle down."

I don't want to get into the details of how I think he decided to break up with me. I don't even know what's my point in writing all of these here.

When we started to get to know each other months ago, I've always liked him. I loved him even before it became us. This despite the "signs" which caused my friends to panic about him. I don't want to say now that they were right all along. I don't regret loving him at all. I've never loved anyone as much as I did him. But I fell in love with a guy who gave up on me easily. I guess in his book, I don't deserve a chance. That's what makes me sadder. Which reminds me how he jokingly promised how he'd make me cry, which I assumed during that time, of sweet romantic things. Oh yes I do cry now. Oh shush. This whole entry is shitty. And I stink like it.

1 comment:

R*Y A N said...

oh, juon. i'm sorry to hear.

here's a quote from another blog that i hope sings out to you as it did for me when i read it.

"Things that burn bright expire quickly, I suppose.

It is so strange, we didn't really get to say goodbye, we just went about our morning routine in the knowledge that we wouldn't see each other again. That is really hard to cope with. Sitting here now, I already miss him in a way that is hard to put my finger on. There is a little hollow in my chest. It is scary that he could burrow himself in there so quickly, especially since I was not open to it after all that had gone on.

Too much, too soon. That was half the problem but it does make it hurt a little more.

And there's an end."