I Lost Me

Really do I need all of these? I don’t. So thanks but no thanks. Next time, don’t bother asking. And as a favor, I won’t offer.

Sometimes I experience certain emotions about something because of some reason I think I know. But when I look at it really close, I realize that the seed of that emotion is not what is seems to be. Was I angry because he didn’t show up when he said he would? Or was I angry because I didn’t see him? Was I happy because I thought he missed me because he’d been calling again? Or was I happy because I missed him and I feel elated that he called? Was I excited because he thinks of me more often than I thought he did? Or was I excited because I think of him so often and it thrills me that he does the same?

It is easy to lose us especially after all the pain and the hurt that we have no choice but to bear. Pain and hurt make us tough all right. But they make some of us callous and jaded as well. I am ashamed to admit that that has what pain and hurt done to me. I was a tough cookie all right. But I am bitter and hateful and hopeless as well. And most of the time, I don’t know myself anymore. I have lost myself. And I don’t know how to get myself back.