Monday, November 07, 2005

This'll Pass

I’ve always maintained, as I tell all my friends and the guys who show interest in me, that I am not inclined to get into a relationship as of the moment. I said I’ve been in and out of it several times with little time in between for myself. I guess now I’m taking that sweet time, concentrating on myself and the things that I want to do by myself—things which I think I cannot do, at least to a certain level, when I am attached (Gallivanting with guys is not one of them believe me. I can do that EVEN if I am in a relationship if I choose to.) Now here’s the thing. I heard Mass yesterday after a long time. It was pretty special to me because I meant it to be some sort of a thanksgiving to Him for helping me go through the very emotionally tiring two weeks that just passed. I was sorry for myself because my attention was distracted by two guys who I dare assume are a couple. They were pretty tall guys: one was ok and the other one looked really cute. They didn’t have to hold hands or kiss in front of me for me to guess what they are. The way the cute guy leaned toward the other guy, and how they smiled at each other, or the way they whisper something on the other’s ear—I had no doubt they were an item. And I felt envious, especially since I was there alone. I couldn’t concentrate on the Mass anymore so instead of committing the bigger mistake of ogling at them during a supposedly solemn Catholic ceremony, I just upped and went away.

I don’t know what hit me then. I am never the envious type, especially when it comes to relationships. Not now when I’ve had seven, and that’s not even counting the flings which were all just sex anyway. (And besides, I think I’ve hurt a lot of guys and been hurt by them as well in the past because of our being reckless with love.) I guess the affection and the care from a boyfriend is what I, envy is not the word now, it’s miss. I miss being loved, being cared for by somebody I love and care about too. I miss going out with a boyfriend, spending time just walking in the mall, or watching a movie, or having petty quarrels. I miss having someone I can throw sweet smiles at, or exchange sugar-coated glances with, or whisper ant-attracting words to, or text “I love you baby” to. Nah I’m not going to just get my hands on the next guy who comes along just because I feel mushy about relationships now. Those seven I’ve had, taking my time is one of the very important lessons they’ve taught me. But it’s nice feeling desperate about love once in a while. This’ll pass.

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