Evil

Evil wins sometimes.

Here's the winning face paint I did on myself that won me The Face award during our Employee Get-Together last Thursday. Yeah I know. It's straight out of Holloween. But that's the point. Despite the glaring looks I got from the more conservative people from the office, my evil face paint was tied with a, ahem, butterfly face paint for The Face award. Although I was one of the few who took the contest seriously, it was a total surprise to me that I was even considered for the top 5 best face paints because, man, there was not a few bunch who I felt were scandalized by my concept. There were a lot though who also liked it.

Cheers to everyone! Merry Christmas! I love you all.

I want my chute vest back also.

Listen to the Sound of My Heart Breaking

When I thought things are starting to pick up, when things are getting better, when I thought I’m ready to stop looking and start loving, you hit the break, you stop, you break my heart.

“I’m not mad but I know you are.”

I’m not mad. I’m sad. And for once, listen to my heart breaking.

The Sound of One Heart Breaking
By Karen Kunawicz

Ever come across this zen koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books? You know, the one that asks what the sound of one hand clapping is. I don’t know the answer to that one. But ask me what’s the sound of one heart breaking and I might have an answer. Welcome to the dark side of love.

What is the sound of one heart breaking?

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it’s the sound of a telephone that doesn’t ring, the sound or regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it’s the whispers of the toy animals he gave you. It’s the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your should shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word “goodbye,” it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it’s the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it’s the sound of a cherub’s dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid’s kitchen sink, it’s the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door. It’s the sound of the rain that doesn’t ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there’s no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of “I love you” burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lies still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love. The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic “SOS-to-the-world,” the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut. The sound of the things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound of your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn’t there, of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it’s the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it’s the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn’t always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery.

No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

juOnBox Music 16: Bitter

I have to apologize to all of you. I can’t help it. I have to let all of these emotions out. Words fail me. This song just said it all for me. I promise this is going to be the last.

Someday
Nina

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eye
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don’t really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down, and i'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

Let Go

All I wanted was to love you. But my love is humble. It can't give you the world that you want. You wanted more. So you let go.

Now I let go too. You know what they say about letting the bird go and if it comes back, holy shit. But if it doesn't come back, I'd assume it's fried chicken already. hahahaha

Shitty

If you are personally involved in this, stay away. Don't read.

"I'm not singular anymore. For 24 years, I've been looking for that person to love and share my life. I don't get into relationships back then just to experience it. I was looking for something serious and not just fun. We found each other. You found me ranting and bitching about my life, I found you there completely understanding and honest. You discovered my imperfections and I hope that you'll stay with me. I'll find ways to be better for you. Medyo natatakot lang ako na it's unfair for you. Alam mo na, di ako out and that someday, you want everyone to know about us. I can't promise anything today but to step by step, be open about my discreet identity. Unafraid to holg your hand in public, take you out on a romantic dinner, even just kiss you before I ride the bus home. Di naman PDA pero at some point, I want to show everyone, ny family, friends, and the people around us that I love you. I'll find ways to make this easier."

This made me cry when my baby texted me this a few hours after we became officially us. I took him to the bus stop on his way home. After three weeks, he breaks up with me because according to him, these past few days, he's realized that we cannot be happy together. Three reasons. (1) My selos issues, (2) my party boy comment when he raised the topic of partying in a gay scene, and (3) the fact that he prioritizes his job over me. He adds that he thought I totally don't understand him. And that he is new to the gay scene, hence, he'd want to explore it, making him not ready to "settle down."

I don't want to get into the details of how I think he decided to break up with me. I don't even know what's my point in writing all of these here.

When we started to get to know each other months ago, I've always liked him. I loved him even before it became us. This despite the "signs" which caused my friends to panic about him. I don't want to say now that they were right all along. I don't regret loving him at all. I've never loved anyone as much as I did him. But I fell in love with a guy who gave up on me easily. I guess in his book, I don't deserve a chance. That's what makes me sadder. Which reminds me how he jokingly promised how he'd make me cry, which I assumed during that time, of sweet romantic things. Oh yes I do cry now. Oh shush. This whole entry is shitty. And I stink like it.

My New Baby!

Finally! After weeks, months of contemplating on getting this, I bought myself a spanking new Nintendo DS Lite. Ok, I was planning to get the coral pink one but by providence thay ran out of stock so I got the next best color, enamel navy. I'm lovin it. I got this for a pretty good bargain. And like any tech geek, I bought it a poly-something protective case. That and these two games.

I'm lovin Trauma Center. I get to slice people up without actually hurting anyone. A perfect way to vent out feelings after, taddaaaaaah, boyfriend number 8 breaks up with me for "(1) selos issues, (2) party boy issues, and (3)priorities." I'll probably write more on this when I'm better. I'm sorry for my DS Lite, I'm on the rebound.

Walking on Shattered Glass

What do you do when you realize that the people you feel closest to, people you’ve been hanging out with for years, the people you see every day at work, whom you eat lunch with, whom you talk to when you have problems, and whose woes you listen to patiently, suddenly make you feel like shit? Everything changes in a snap.

Friday last week was supposed to be a good day. I was looking forward to it because our department would be having our Christmas party. But things changed during lunch.

I fetch my friends in their work stations. She tells me how the two of them were just talking about me when I came. I ask what about. She says I was a bitch yesterday. In my head I try to recall what I did the day before that offended her. I can’t recall. I ask her what I did because I don’t remember bitching at her. She doesn’t tell me. She just keeps saying I was a bitch. He agrees, says what’s new. We go down and buy lunch. I keep on asking her what I did. I feel bad that she feels bad and she doesn’t tell me. She buys something from the store and leaves me with him. I ask him what was wrong with her and what exactly I did wrong. Instead of telling me, he launches into a sermon, the point of which I couldn’t figure out except for the fact that it made me feel like I was covered with shit. On our way up, I couldn’t help but cry. I felt so small. The worst part was it was caused by the people I used to feel safe with.

Everything changes in a snap. I don’t talk to them now. I don’t know if I’ll talk to them again ever. I don’t mind being called a bitch. I know I am. But I do mind being made to feel shitty, especially by the people who I consider as very good friends. No I don’t expect them to adjust to my bitchiness. But I do expect that after the nearly 6 years that we have been together, they’d at least understand. And at the least they’d tell straight to my face and right away if my bitchiness hurt them in any way and not make me run after my own tail like a crazy dog.

I miss them. But I’m not going to reconcile with them and live always thinking in the back of my head if what I’m doing is offensive to them or not. Friends don’t make friends walk on ground scattered with shattered glass all the time.

Jeepney Hunks 12: Boy Wonder

JH 12 tags himself Boy Wonder. He’s got some hot pictures which make us all wonder what surprises he has in store for us.

Amici Is Pierced!

The spunk of this girl is big time! We were supposed to get our body piercing at the same time, hers on the bellybutton and mine on the right eyebrow. To make the long story short, after I asked the piercing attendant how it goes and he tells me it’s a cinch in the bellybutton but torture on the eyebrows, I chickened out. Actually, that and the fact that I was prohibited by D. But this post isn’t about me. Check out my Amici’s bellybutton camwhoring.

She is so not nervous. She usually keeps still in front of the camera. Now, she couldn’t even smile. She is so not nervous.

This is Amici’s bellybutton before the piercing.

The cutey piercing stud (hehehehe) is priming up Amici’s bellybutton for the kill.

Here’s a closer look.

Amici’s pierced bellybutton is now ready for some licking.

juOnBox Music 14: Angel

They say when words fail, sing it. These songs tell you exactly what I feel for you. When I run out words to say, or when my words tire your ears already, rest your head on my chest and listen to the beat of my heart. My heart sings the sweetest songs because it knows that you’re near, and that you are mine.

Angels Brought Me Here
Guy Sebastian

It's been a long and winding journey
But I'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
Walking back into the light
To the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When I look into your eyes

My dreams came true
When I found you
I found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see
That you're the answer to my prayers
And if you can feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Standing here before you
Feels like I've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name

My dreams came true
Right here in front of you
My miracle

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Brought me here to be with you
I'd be forever grateful (oh forever grateful)

My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here


I'm Your Angel Lyrics
Celine Dion

No Mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

Angel Of Mine Lyrics
Monica

When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of mine

I look at you, lookin' at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
I'm gonna love you boy you are so fine
Angel of Mine

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow
You came into my life sent from above
When I lost all hope you showed me love
I'm checkin' for ya boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine

Nothing means more to me than what we share
No one in this whole world can ever compare
Last night the way you moved is still on my mind
Angel of Mine

What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside I need to show
You came into my life sent from above (Sent from above)
When I lost all hope, you showed me love (Boy you showerd me love)
I'm checkin' for ya, boy you're right on time (Right on Time)
Angel of Mine (Angel of mine)

I never knew I could feel each moment
As if it were new,
Every breath that I take, the love that we make
I only share it with you (you, you, you,you)
When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine

You came into my life sent from above (Came into my life, yeah yeah yeah)
When I lost all hope you showed me love (Boy You showed me love, uh huh)
I'm shakin' for ya, boy you're right on time (But boy your right on time)
Angel of Mine (Angel of mine, oh mine)

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow

I look at you lookin' at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
I'm checkin' for ya, boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine

Jeepney Hunk 11: The Twink

There are those who like their men young. Young but legal, ok? JH 14, Boy, sates the “pedofan” in you. From the uniform he’s wearing in one of the pictures, he looks like a student in a maritime education institution. He must be studying to be one of ‘em seafarers. Naku, it must not have occurred to him yet the future that awaits him in the ship: long stretch of time trapped there with other men. I don’t know how he’ll feel about that, but I’d be excited if I were him. With Boy’s looks, I bet he’d be a fancied p*&8syboy! Hahahaha Have a great week ahead!

Smoking Kills in More Ways

Of course you already know that smoking is like standing on a busy highway waiting for a truck to run you down. But what you don’t know is that it actually does something else to your body, your brain in particular, while you are waiting for your bus trip to the after life.

Current research on the effects of smoking in the brain reveals that, among other harmful things, smoking changes the chemistry of the part of the brain responsible for processing pleasure and pain. According to the German study, the amount of the amino acid N-acetylaspartate (NAA) is reduced in the brain of a smoker. Although the study doesn’t specify how this chemical imbalance specifically manifests, I assume that it probably reduces the sensation of pain, which is ok, but also of pleasure, which is totally not good. I can bear not feeling the hurt of a punch in the face, but really, does the pleasure of sex have to go with it? Previous studies reveal that this condition was observed in persons with psychiatric and mood disorders like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and dementia, as well as alcohol dependence.

So how do you get around it? The study offers just one solution: quit smoking.

Read more about it here:

Smoking Upsets Pain/Pleasure Neurochemistry
Heavy Smokers Must Quit Totally

Note: Baby, the bottom line is that I love you and I don't want you to die on me.

Drop Him, Move On, Get Going, Go Boy!

I know it’s weird that I’m writing about ditching guys when I myself am deeply in love. Although I don’t find myself in this situation now, I know that there are guys out there who do. Here’s something to knock yourself back to your senses.

So you’re dating this person for some time already. Both of you made some amount of emotional investment. But then you can’t explain your relationship. You are together, but not really. And it’s been going on for months but you don’t know exactly where you are going. Man, somebody has got to decide. Leave him or live with it.

I know it’s hard to just leave someone just like that, especially if you’re starting to fall or have fallen already. These ten reasons might just break the camel’s back, help you pack your bags and leave the guy you thought you want:

1. You don’t trust him not because you’re just paranoid but because he gives (or doesn’t) you reasons not to.
2. Your closest friends tell you that he is not good for you.
3. He tells you that he has personal baggage which for some reason he doesn’t want to share with you.
4. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends and/or family. You are his most guarded secret. That, or he is just a two-timing boar.
5. He is not ready for a commitment now and he doesn’t know when (if ever at all) he’ll be ready.
6. He moves back every time you get close. He is distant.
7. You start needing him but he is always unavailable. He doesn’t return your texts or doesn’t call you back even if you know he’s not busy.
8. He is confused. He adores you one minute, and then you’re a nobody to him the next.
9. You receive emails and text messages from him which were meant for some other guy or girl (Surprise! Surprise!) he is dating. (That’s why he doesn’t want to commit?)
10. He tells you that in the few months you lost touch, he’s had 5 relationships, all of them past flings who had in some way hurt him. He hatched a carefully planned plot to exact revenge on all of them. (Shudder!)

Now, is dropping him still hard to do? Put it this way: you are doing yourself a very big favor if you do. Your mantra should be “Move on. Get going. Go boy!”

Flowers for My Baby

These are the flowers that I want to give you every day for the rest of your life. I don’t know when I can actually give these to you, given the circumstances. But it doesn’t matter. My heart doesn’t care. These flowers, the most beautiful red roses, the sweetest smelling, thorn-free roses, I grow them all in my heart. When you are ready, I will harvest all of them for you and offer them to your feet. These flowers from my heart will never wilt. They don’t need sunlight or water or air. They don’t even need soil. All they need to live and grow is your love, and someday, maybe someday, your smile too every day when you wake up in the morning. I love you.

Jeepney Hunks 10: Boyfriend Material

We are trying to feature as many types of hunks as possible. Let’s see how broad a spectrum of guys we have to choose from. Here’s another set from my email. Our tenth Jeepney Hunk, Mr. Boyfriend Material, is taken. That girl on the pictures is not a prop. Now I don’t mean to wake the covetous side of you guys but, well, you can probably try. But I heard the girl has him on a leash. Ganda mo kasi girl!

We're Number 10 in PinoyBloggers.Org

Radioactivity is NUMBER 10 in PinoyBloggers.Org! What better way to start the week!

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Buhay bakla. Lalake, musika, lalake, kalokohan, lalake, kwento, lalake, libro, lalake, pelikula, lalaki, damit, at lalake. Ano pa bang hahanapin mo?

Category: Personal

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Violated Angel?

I am resurrecting myself from a self-inflicted respite from radioactivity for this late-breaking news.

Early this month I featured the vivacious Angelica in radioactivity, a very hot return indeed. Last night, I saw her on the TV news denying rumors that the photography she did for that liquor calendar was computer enhanced. Hhhmmm. The plot thickens when this morning I received “evidence” of the crime in my email. Judge for yourself which photographs have been “violated.”

Really do you guys mind?

Related posts:
Angelica’s Return
Angelic Angelica

Black Sky

juOn takes a one-week respite from radioactivity starting today. The black shroud covers the sky. I’ll see all of you when the sun comes back.

If you need to reach me, you know how. I’m always live.

So you guys don’t worry too much, here are some related posts to fill you in:

B’day
We
Leaving So Soon?
Poetry of Paranoia
I Want You
Things Are Different
My Gift to You
I’m a Duck

Slimmers World International Great Bodies 2006

I’d rather not say anything about this post unless I wanna get clobbered in the gym. If you want to know what others think about these candidates, go here. The comments are hilarious! I’m putting some here as caption for the photos. You may also click on the pictures to view more of them.

Oct 30, 2006
anu yan palakihan ng bukol!
- sonti

Nov 6, 2006
Amazing! At 48 her body is devoid of any bilbil. Si Ethel ang dapat manalo
- Adi

Nov 15, 2006
Sarap mong ulamin! kanin na lang kulang... in fernezz! bilang na bilang sa aking daliri na mangilan-ngilan lang kayong tunay na lalaki!Mabuhay Ka! yum2!
- diwata panahon

Oct 28, 2006
please dont tthrow her a question.. if you know what i mean! wink wink wink...
- mia

Oct 23, 2006
astig to c panem parang batista! gwapo p chickboy p! galeng p s basketball hehe! tol IDOL! boto nyo to ha!
- Marc Gascon

Nov 14, 2006
evening session want to see u in person sm city
- ace

Nov 17, 2006
laki tiyan mo pare! taba mo pa! baka di ka umabot sa 25nov nyan!
- gb4

Nov 18, 2006
kamukha mo na trainer mong tindero ng taho..
- carol

Nov 17, 2006
love na kita pero love na kita ga. galingan mo ha. pag nanalo ka upuan kita agad mag spelling test ako sa pen mo.
- batoy

Oct 31, 2006
mukhang bakla
- helenita

Oct 29, 2006
astig ang fonda pare!
- mikkie

Nov 10, 2006
ang galing mo sa talent pati ang partner mo chrush ko hehheeh
- cindy

Oct 25, 2006
it's all body fat...you can't win with that body, man...
- oscar villa

Oct 25, 2006
kaw b talaga kapatid ni jhon, female version pala.
- weng

Oct 31, 2006
you are so amazing!! can I ask you out?? You are the man i've dreamed of.
- jully

Oct 28, 2006
great great body.... Boobs!!!wala lahat cla nyan... Butt!! lalo na clang wala... Goog luck....
- mel

Nov 16, 2006
nice body, buti na lang! It compensated kung ano kulang sa mukha.. he he he
- louie

Nov 16, 2006
isa lang ang kalaban mo...si johannes. you got a great body !ang laka ng appeal mo... i"m sure lalaki ka ... not like some other guys...
- benelynne

Oct 20, 2006
Akala ko si Alyanna...
- melody