Awkward

That is how I describe myself socially. I am socially awkward. Being so probably strikes others as me being shy or a snob. I'm not shy. Heck. I could do cartwheels on stage--naked--and feel ok about it. So no I'm not shy. I'm not a snob either. I probably do look like one, considering my facial features (refer to pics). And I don't smile a lot. I don't wanna look like a looney all the time. hehehehe But no. I'm just that--socially awkward. How do I explain that?

Let me put it this way. When you put me in a room with somebody I don't know, I will never make the initiative to talk to that person. When you put me in a room with an acquaintance, the exchange of words will not start from me. I think that my problem is that I do not know how to connect. And if I do connect, I do not know how to sustain it.

Now has being socially awkward proven difficult for me? Well yes in a sense that it feels lonely sometimes having no one to talk to in the gym or while having lunch in the pantry. Or when I’m new somewhere, I find it hard to make acquaintances. But most of the time, no. One of the consequemce of being socially awkward is that I get all the chance to be with myself, to be alone in other words, and to actually like it. I actually enjoy being alone. In this sense I think my social awkwardness has benefited me. Plus, since I maintain a minimum number of social connections, I have developed a certain amount of independence.

Despite this, I acknowledge the fact that the world is huge and that it is inevitable that I make contact whether I like it or not. That is why developing my social skills is one of the projects I am working on right now. I see friends of mine who are not in the same situation as I am. I guess they're what you call the friendly type. I envy them because they seem to have friends everywhere they go.
Here's what I plan to do to be less socially awkward:
1. Always wear a smile. I guess this should be the first step. This would give the impression that I am friendly, or approachable at the least.
2. I would not mind making the first move. Still with a smile on my face, I will never hesitate to talk to people even if I don't know them.
3. I will remember names. I am so bad with names. People take it as a sign of goodwill if you remember their names.
4. I will eat lunch with other people. I usually prefer to eat my meals alone in the office. I realize that meals are naturally perfect means to socialize.
5. I will walk home with friends. I would have to suppress the loner in me. I think I have to practice being around other people and actually interact with them so I'd feel natural about it.

I hope these things do the trick.

On Man's Reactive Nature

“If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence.” Bertrand Russel

Post-Mortem: Christmas Presentation

I should've written about this right after the aftermath. But then again, it would turn-out bitter and angry perhaps. But now that I think I have healed already, I'd probably give you a clearer picture of what happened that fateful day of the company get-together.

Well I told you how I fussed over my department's presentation. The preparations all went well. We were so ready logistically and emotionally. I was in high spirits that day. It was the day we'd show them who it was to beat when it comes to pompous display of creativity and talent. But it bombed.

Everyone felt good while we were changing. I could sense nobody's nervous. At least no one seemed nervous. When it was time to go out, my adrenaline reached its height. I was doting on everyone to give their best. We were called. We were on stage. And then it happened. We couldn't hear anything. That was crucial. Our acting relied heavily on the audio. It was downhill from there. It went that way for some 5 minutes I think. The actors were guessing what they're supposed to do. I even made the mistook of cueing two actors to go on stage when in fact it was another actor and my scene that's supposed to be on. That was a bummer. The whole thing was. And then what I feared most while we were preparing happened---the curtain fell, literally.

We were going nowhere but near disaster. Our managers had no other choice but to cut the performance altogether. There was no way we could hack it, what with the faulty audio and all. I couldn't help but cry. It was painful, especially since we devoted so much time and energy to it. All of it was for nothing.

Well not really. The experience was very humbling. I must admit I thought myself great,and that we were unbeatable in these territories. The thing is, even if we were, things will not always turn out good. And there will always be others better than we were, maybe not in terms of talent or creativity, but in terms of circumstance or logistics or whatever. The best performance I saw that day was not even close to what I imagined a good performance should be. They didn't have elaborate costumes or magnificent choreographies. Their concept was even a rip off. But they were prepared. They were organized. They had the equipment. they were in control. I guess next time we should concentrate on these things as well. Til next year.

Karanasan sa Bahay Bulilit

Habang ang lahat ay abala sa programa, ako naman ay nakikipag-usap sa ilang mga batang tahimik na nakaupo sa tabi ko. Nakilala ko si Angie at si Martha na parehong bihis na bihis. Ngunit di katulad ng ibang mga bata na nakasuot ng polo o blouse, yun bang bihis na panlinggo kung tawagin, sila Angie at Martha ay naka-gown. Tunay nga namang pormang pang-sagala ang kanilang dating.
Nakilala ko rin si Martin. Mukhang siya’y limang taon na. Siya’y mukhang malusog at dahil sa medyo mangitim-ngitim ang kanyang balat, sa palagay ko’y maaaring oras ang ginugugol niya sa paglalaro sa ilalim ng araw. Iisipin ko sanang di siya kakaiba sa iba pang mga bata kundi sa nakagugulat na tanong niya sa akin. Habang kausap ko ang isa pa sa kanila, lumapit itong sa Martin sa akin at itinanong kung ako raw ba ay bakla. Natigalgal ako sa kanyang tanong. Di ko akalain na sa murang gulang nya na iyon, may binhi na ng ideya ng pagkabakla sa kanyang kamalayan. Natakot ako na kapag inamin ko sa kanya, magulo ko ang konsepto niya ng sekswalidad. Natakot ako na baka matakot siya sa akin. Sinabi kong ako’y hindi bakla.
Marahil di siya nakuntento sa sagot ko sa tanong niya sa akin. Ilang sandali lamang ay narinig ko siyang kinakausap si Peter. Itinanong din niya ang tanong niya sa akin. “Bakla ba kayo?” Sumagot si Peter na may ngiti sa kanyang labi. “Oo, bakla kami.” Tumalikod lamang si Martin. Nagtuloy sa kanyang pakikipagharutan sa ibang mga bata na parang walang nangyari.
Di ko masabi kung anong konsepto ng pagkabakla mayroon siya. Di na mahalaga iyon. At least hindi pa dahil bata pa siya. Ngunit kung anuman iyong ideyang iyon, tayong mga nakatatanda ang dapat magbigay gabay sa mga batang ito kung paano mag-iisip ng tama tungkol sa mga bakla. Inosente ang tanong na ito sa akin ni Martin, ngunit ang reaksyon ko sa inosenteng tanong nya na iyon ang maaaring magsabi sa kanya kung paano buuin sa kamalayan niya ang konsepto ng pagkabakla. Maaaring ang sagot ko sa tanong nya ang magbibigay kahulugan sa utak niya ng kung ano ang bakla.

*This is the write-up I submitted for posting on the Web site that documents our outreach program last December in Bahay Bulilit.

Recording

Today has to be one of the most tiring days of december for me so far. My team went to the Communications Foundation whetever in Sta. Mesa where we did our voice recording for our Christmas presentation. The recording itself went smoothly. We spent two hours for the recording of the dialogs. We plan to do the mixing and final editing and cutting in-house.
I sort of directed the voice recording session. I also did the voice of Reyna Valeriana. Yes I did the voice of the queen. We wanted her to sound like a gay man for humor. The thing is, I think my voice turned out sounding more like a woman's. oh well. The whole recorded material was 24 minutes long. And the presenattion has to be 7 minutes only. That's the next thing we would have to work on now. Jhena the scriptwriter has suggested several dialogs which we can delete. My instruction to the editor is to just lay out everything and then we'll do the cutting afterwards. Whew!! We still have a long way to go. Looking forward to practicing the stage actors. Probably on Wednesday. it has to be Wednesday.

Saturday

I took a diagnostic exam this morning on business writing. It was part of HR's program to improve employee competency, this time on honing corporate communications skills. The exam was pretty fun. Employees with rank 4 and 5 were asked to take the exam. These people were at the supervisorial to managerial levels. I could sense apprehension from the people in the room. Pretty understandable considering the fact that most of these people have not taken an exam for years. It was peanuts to my opinion. I guess I have our almost weekly Textbook Editorial workshops and exams on grammar and editing to thank for that.

Moving on to another topic, I am sort of looking forward to today. I plan to go to Divisoria after lunch to do my Christams shopping. I'll be buying gifts for my mga inaanak. I plan to scout for some things i could use for my hat and costume for our company get-together. I just hope it doesn't rain. The sky looks pretty gloomy outside. I'm crossing my fingers. :-)

Christmas Project

There are two things that are keeping me really busy and very excited about this Christmas season. One is the Christmas party our department is throwing for the kids of Bahay Bulilit, a day-care center in Makati along C5. The kids there come from the less-fortunate families in the area. This is going to be the first time our group is doing something of this kind. We thought of making this year's Christmas party different, and probably more meaningful than the usual kris-kringle we do among ourselves. It's also going to be some sort of thanksgiving for the past year's bountiful blessings. The party's scheduled on the 17th in the afternoon. We prepared a full program for the kids. This project has a spot in my heart. I dunno. I like kids. And I miss the kids that I left in Bulacan. The Bahay Bulilit gig would sort of remind me how it feels to have kids around me again.

This other big event I'm looking forward to is the company Christmas party on the 21st. There's talk that this year's get-together party---yeah that's how management wants to call it and not Christmas party---is going to be a relatively modest one compared to last year but personally it doesn't matter. Whether it's gonna be a big one or not, the more exciting part for me is the chance for me to strut all my stuff. You see, I'm the showbiz type. I pine for the limelight. Publicity, big or small, is still publicity. I'm gonna be playing big roles in the party. I'd be hosting together with my friend Jhena. I'm also part of the team preparing for our department's presentation. You see, the Editorial Department has been the force to reckon with when it comes to presentations. We have a proven track record of wins. In fact, our department won the first prize in last year's get-together presentation. But, well, since this year's gig is going to be modest, management decided not to make the presentation competitive, at least not in monetary value. I think what's at stake this year is reputation. And my department is out to prove our supremacy when it comes to artistic endeavours like this.

We're in the midst of preparations now. I'd tell you more about it in the coming days. :-)

Welcome back to me!!!

My last blog was dated 17/07/04. I feel ashamed of myself not having the time to update my blog in the last two months. I've been busy with my life. I forgot all about my cyberlife. But now that I do have the time, my big problem now is where to start writing. I'm thinking of filling you in with the things that happened to me in the last two months. Yeah I'd probably start with that.

What kept me busy really was work. The last two months had been really toxic. I had to take over four projects that were left behind by two of my editors. One got booted out because of poor performance. (Good riddance. Hehehehe) The other one resigned. (I assume his guts couldn't take the heat in my kitchen. hahahahaha) Thankfully, I was able to pull in one of the copy editors to help me manage the projects. Those projects more or less took most of my time the last two months.

And I also got myself a new baby. No not you Al. hehehehe. Well aside from you of course. I've been thinking really of getting myself and iPod for months and finally i did around two or three weeks ago. I'm lovin it.

I look forward to updating my blogs and being more visible in the cyber community more regularly now. And I promise to write better entries than this one. This is crap. Sorry. hahahahahaha. This is the best I can do on borrowed time in the office. hehehehehehehe

My Most Recent Photographs

TLC

Dump me, scratch me, thrash me, hurt me , love me. Do me 'til I don't feel it anymore. Poke my eye, break my arm, twist my neck, knee my balls, and then hug me. Torture me 'til I breathe no more.

Ugly Duckling

Do you believe ugly ducklings always turn into swans? I couldn't speak for other ducklings but the ugly duckling's story is sort of my story too.
I was a cute kid.I had wavy jet-black hair.I have almond-shaped eyes with pupils that are arrestingly dark. My red lips are set off by creamy-white skin. And my smile was ice cream topped with the sweetest cherries of dimples. But I overate so I grew fat.
I don't know what direct effect it had on my complexion, but all the weight made me look darker. Uh. I looked ugly. And I had to bear with that the whole of high school and the early part of college. I didn't mind it then really. Although my Mother's been telling me to lose weight not because she was bothered by how I look but more because she was concerned of my health. I was heaviest at 180 lbs at 5'3. I started to really think about it when it became difficult for me to buy clothes my size. There was a time I had to go to the tailors for my jeans! My waistline then was 40 inches. Well, I could buy jeans with a forty-inch waistline but they are either too long(since they were made for taller guys) or to wide on the thighs(they balloon on the thighs).

So that's when I started taking actions. Drastic actions. I started dieting. There was a time I only ate bananas. I made it a point to only eat one full meal a day. And I exercised. I was so surprised that it worked. I lost the weight.
I feel a sense of accomplishment whenever I tell my friends how I did it. I don't fail to arouse amazement and disbelief whenever I show them my old pictures. They couldn't believe that the guy in the picture is me.
Wait. You might think I turned out really gorgeous after losing all the weight. I think I look fine. But more than that, losing the weight made me feel better about myself. I became more confident. I think confidence will make anyone look and feel better. And I also get to wear the clothes that I like.

Beauty Queens

Being a Beauty Queen is a way of life. That quote I got that from Melanie Marquez in one of her guestings in a talk show here in the Philippines. So what in the hell was I thinking quoting her on my blog? Nothing. Like other Filipinos, I'm fascinated with Beauty Queens and Beauty Pageants in general. I remember when my siblings and I were younger, we'd play pretend. Playing Beauty Queen was one of our favorite role-playing games (next to playing Fairies and Queens). We'd don our cape (bed sheets, one end tied around our necks), wear our crowns (cardboard cutouts adorned with glitters and collored paper), and hold our scepters (barbecue stick, although there was one time i used a TV antenna) while we promenade around the room, waving at the imaginary audience. Of course, being the eldest, I'd be Ms. Universe. My younger brother would be Ms. World and my sister would be Ms. International. That young, we already had an idea of the hierarchy of beauty pageants. So I'm just wondering if that was how Melanie Marquez's childhood was like. Did she ever, as a child, practice walking like a Beauty Queen? Or hold a make-believe scepter and wear a cardboard crown? Did she practice her smile and her wave in front of the mirror?
If fulfilling dreams is as easy as living it, I would probably be a beauty queen by now. hahahahahaha.

A Rejoinder to the Uncut Version

The one thing that really turned me off this guy is the small favor he has been asking me to do for him. After that weekend of uncut fun, he has been asking me to give him cellphone load. Duh! The first few times I had a good excuse because I was either in a remote place where there are no place near to buy load or it's pretty late to get out of the house and buy load. But the third time that he did, I just told him straight that paying for sex isn't my style. He didn't text me afterwards. I was duped there for awhile. I really thought he was nice. I've heard from him again two nights ago. He made my phone ring two times in the middle of the night. I thought it was something important so I rang him as well just to let him know I was still awake. He texted me asking me if I missed his whacker. hahahahahahaha. I wanted to play with him so I said I did. He texted back,probably wanting to spite me, telling me in broken english that he was disappointed the last time that we texted (about the small favor he was asking me) and that what I told him (me not paying for sex) sounded "stupid" to him. hahahahahahahaha. I didn't realize he was funnier than I thought he was. :-) Anyway, I don't plan to have any form of communication with him anymore. He's one of em jerks who use their bodies to get what they want. They are incapable of emotions. What they feel is dictated by what they need and what they want.

The Weekend Exploit: Uncut Version (a repost from my eBloggy)

It's Monday and I'm supposed to feel refreshed and recharged but for some reason, I feel more tired than I did last Friday. It's not that I do not know why. hahahahahahaha

It must've been because of the weather. I felt freakin horny yesterday so I went to this place where I was damn sure i'd get laid. So I was doin the rounds when I bumped into this guy. He was around 5'9 tall and a bit skinny. He was lanky. The first time i saw him I thought he was too effeminate for me. It must've been because he walked like he was strutting the ramp or something. Well it didn't take me long to find out he was more than the man that i was hoping for.

I wouldn't give you the details of what we did but i'd tell you one thing. He was uncut. hehehehehe I've always wanted to be with a guy who was uncut. It wasn't the first time i saw one but it was the first time i saw one on a Filipino. The first uncut appendage i saw was that of a freakin blonde hottie who unfortunately was a lot older than i am. Still yummy though, but old just the same. This guy I was with yesterday, i found out, was 22 years old and works at a Chowking outlet near where I live. It was funny cause before we got into each other's pants, i had to ask if he was a cb. I just wanted to be sure cause I didn't have money then. :-) And it's not my style to pay for sex.

I thought he had a puny member the first time i glanced at it. I found out he hadn't had all of it out yet. It was shameful I couldn't keep smiling when i realized he was uncut... and huge. The more shameful part was when I asked for his number after we were done. I don't usually give out or ask for my one-timer's numbers. But I couldn't just let him leave without being certian we'd do it again. hehehehehehe. He got me hooked.

No I haven't fallen for him. I don't even know him. But he was pretty nice. He even volunteered to keep me company while i did my grocery after. The thing is, it's pretty clear to me that that was just that. Sex. I'd do it again with him. But i don't think i'd fall in love with him. I'm more practical now than emotional. And I know how to distinguish lust from love.

My Thoughts about Blogging

blogging's like slicing your brain to thin strips, salting em, and then drying em under the sun. It'll be fun watching every drop of moisture evaporating from them, each strip curling up like besuto prawn crackers when dopped in steaming hot oil. I could even hear them crackling.