Fuck Buddy

I chanced upon a friend of mine and his boy at People Are People in Glorietta. Actually, I saw them but I'm not sure if my friend saw me. No I didn't walk up to say hi. It just felt weird and I thought it would save me and my friend from some complication.

This friend of mine used to be my fuck buddy. Our relationship was one of the things that saved me from going bonkers when I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. It kept me from being totally shattered. It was a gift. It was a stroke of luck that we turned out to actually like each other as friends. I felt at ease with him and he felt the same way. I even thought he'd make a fine boyfriend. “It's not a good idea to turn fuck buddies into boyfriends.” That's what he told me when I vouched the idea stealthily. I thought he made sense. But I still like him.

A few weeks ago he told me he was seeing somebody. I felt happy for him seriously. I wished the guy would turn out to be good enough for him because he's such a nice guy and he deserves no less. And then I saw them together. I'm writing this while on the MRT taking a round trip. I'll get off when I figure out how I feel.

The 13

Here are 13 reasons why you should end a relationship.

1. When you cannot categorically say you still love each other

2. When you cheat and the other finds out about it

3. When you stop trusting each other

4. When the distance between you is not just a matter of space

5. When space and time becomes an issue

6. When you don't see each other as often as you used to

7. When daily calls become routinary duties instead of acts of love and longing

8. When you have to lie to protect the other from being hurt

9. When you are not sure where to bring the relationship

10. When you set aside the other for other concerns

11. When the relationship becomes second to everything

12. When you are not ready for a serious commitment

13. When you fall out of love.

Save yourselves from a more severe pain. Trust me. I know from experience.

90/10 Principle by Stephen Covey

What is the 90/10 Principle? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.

What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A
driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%.

The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%. How? By your reaction. You cannot control a red light, but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react. Let's use an example.

You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just what happened. What happens when the next will be determined by how you react. You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for
placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terribly. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home, When you arrive home, you find a small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter. Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning.

Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?
The answer is D.

You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "It's ok honey, you just need, to be more careful next time." Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She
turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having. Notice the difference?

Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction. Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc. How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? found on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off! Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive? Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it. You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job. The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse. Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it. The 90-10 principle is incredible.

Very few know and apply this principle. The result? Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. There never seem to be a success in life. Bad days follow bad days. Terrible things seem to be constantly happening. There is constant stress, lack of joy, and broken relationships. Worry consumes time. Anger breaks friendships and life seems dreary and is not enjoyed to the fullest. Friends are lost. Life is a bore and often seems cruel. Does this describe you? If so, do not be discouraged. You can be different! Understand and apply the 90/10 principle.
It will change your life.

12:01 AM

Naalimpungatan ako kaninang hatinggabi
Pagbiling ko sa aking kama,
Napadungaw ako sa bintana.
Naninilaw ang kalangitan.
Kasindilaw ng mga mata
Ng taong may hepatitis.
Kasindilaw ng mga mata
Ng taong palaging lasing.
Pagkurap ko, pagkakusot ng aking mga mata
Ang dilaw na langit
Nangitim.
Ang aking mga mata,
Namamaga, namumula, namamasa.

Kailangan Mo.

Sana di na tayo kailangang magkalayo.
Ngunit kailangan.
Kailangan mo, ang sabi mo.
Kailangan mong harapin ang trabaho mo.
Kailangan mong harapin ang pamilya mo.
Kailangan mong harapin ang buhay mo.
Nakalulungkot.
Kailangan kong harapin na di ako isa sa mga prayoridad mo.
Kailangan kong harapin na huli ako sa mga kailangan mo.
Kailangan kong harapin na iiwan mo ako.
Sana di na kita kailangan pakawalan.
Pero kailangan.
Kailangan mo.

Rain

What does rain do to you? I love the rain! Everything about it. I love the wetness it leaves on my feet in my shoes. I love the dampness of my pants after walking through it. I love the coldness of the air that sticks to my hands like mittens during a storm. The smell of the air is different when it rains. The rain energizes me. It gives me back the strength that I lost during the scorching heat. It bathes me with invisible light particles that penetrate me right through the nucleus of every cell in my body. The rain quenches my thirst. It washes away worries, guilt, anger, love, passion, lust—leaving me raw, untouched, pure. I like the rain. It makes me who I really am.

Letting Some Sunshine In

This is my first blog entry on the second day of my 27th year of existence. I think it’s time to make a change in my usually gloomy blog. I’d like to give you all guys a break from the disturbing soap opera I always write about. I should be done with focusing too much on the pains, hurts, and bruises. I resolve to minimize drawing inspiration from the negative and start mining the positive. I’m going to let some sunshine in.

One of the things that I’ll be doing regularly is an Oprah-ish list of positives. My first list would be the top 5 reasons that made my 27th birthday extra special.

1. I received a Goya white chocolate from Gil, C2 peach green teas from April and Jhena, Kisses chocolates from Jhena, carrot mini-cakes from Peter, Men’s Fitness July issue from Marie, a Toblerone from Ms. Grace, a really cute card from Textbook Editorial, and a blue Accel gym bag from myself. More than the gifts, I so dig the thought that came with them. Cliché but this is so true.
2. The call I received from my Mommy at 5:30ish in the morning.
3. The text I received from Marie at 5:30 in the morning. I had to do a special mention on this because this is the very first greeting I got.
4. The texts, calls, and Friendster messages I received from my family and friends (Jaybee, June, Tita Pining, Joyce, my brother Ian and his boyfriend Michael, Mica who never forgets my birthday, Iman, Dani, Jayge, Gary).
5. Al.

That was tough. This sunshiney business is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I hope I get the hang of this.

What Do I Remind You Of?

I remind you of the last heart you thrashed. I remind you of your love. I remind you of the last meal that you ate. I remind you of the dessert you've been dying to have. I remind you of the stink of the last public toilet you cruised in. I remind you of the best sex you've ever had. I remind you of hell on earth. I remind you of your last shot of vodka before you passed out. I remind you of blue balls and bruises. I remind you of coffee gone cold. I remind you of the love you lost. I remind you of the guy you can't have. I remind you of the man who came on your face and left you all hard and hurting. I remind you of alcohol on your open wound. I remind you of cake icing on your face. I remind you of dirty esteros. I remind you of the stench of your own shit.

I am all that you hate, all that you love. I am all that you want, and all that you find repulsive. I am both dark and light. I am both cold and warm. I am everywhere. You are helpless. Don't fight back.

You Don't Need Me No More

You don’t need me no more. That’s what I was so afraid to face this past few weeks. I wanted to think that this is just another storm which I have to endure until the sun shines again. But there’s the rub. It’s something that I have to endure—alone. While you are out gallivanting with your friends, I just sit here praying you’ll be safe, preparing your bed, keeping your house, waiting for you to come home. I basked in the thought that whatever sleazy activities you get yourself into, you’ll come home to me in one piece, that you’ll always be mine, and that I will be your one and only baby. I was in denial.

You don’t need me anymore. Not now. Not ever. What you need are your friends. I have held back all thoughts that they are nothing but bad influences to you. I thought I had no right to judge their character because I do not know them. And they are your friends. I value your judgment more than anything. No, I will not compare myself with them. I do not feel insecure with them. Not anymore. But this is what I have to say. What I know from what you told me is that you get to be yourself with them more than you are with me. Your friends are proving to be better company to that side of you that you want to explore.

You don’t need me anymore. What you need are the men in your life. The men that you meet in the gym, on the Net, in the FX, or in whatever place you go cruising, these are the people whom you want to spend your time with. I again assume that you choose fleeting moments of bliss over a lifetime of friendship bonded by love and respect. However bad I feel about your choice, I know that you are intelligent and strong enough to face its consequences.

You don’t need me anymore. What you need is your “gay life”. All I can give you are tender hugs and kisses in the movie house, a warm embrace in public, ears to listen to all your stories however insignificant they are to me, my stories that are equally insignificant to you, and probably my whole lifetime if you let me. Now I understand that what you really need are wild sex in your friend’s pad with strangers, the company of friends who talk about nothing but boys and sex, whispers of “Ang sarap mo.” from a guy you barely know, and a lifetime of anonymous polygamous sex with other guys, lots of them one at a time or at the same time.

You don’t need me anymore. I say this without bitterness. I am not angry because of the choices you made. I am not even worried. I trust and love you better now. But as I promised, I will only be here until you don’t need me anymore. And I think this is the time. You don’t have to tell me to go.

My Angel

They say everyone has his own guardian angel. The angel knows your every move, saves you from danger, and takes care of you whenever and wherever. You and your angel are made for each other. He needs you as much as you need him. There can be no other angel for you except the one you are born with. You and your angel are like twins. Your angel cries when you cry. He is happy when you are happy. Your hearts are tied together by a delicate string called love. My guardian angel left me. His end of the string broke. I have no angel. Not now. Not ever.

All That You Need

I will be the home you’d yearn to come back to when you’re tired and have had your fun. I will be your calm, your sober, your sane. I will be your pillow, your pen, your shoes. I will be your mother, your father, your brother. I will be your friend, your sidekick, your lover. When you are ready, I will be all that you need.

All That You Are

Now that we are apart, I get to look at you in a different angle. I must say that so far, even if most of the time the discoveries hurt me, what I learn about you make me love you more. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the serious and the funny, everything about you that you reveal to me complete my image of you. I love everything that you were, everything that you are, and everything that you will be.

All As We Know Them to Be

You say you love me less. Why do I feel like I have never been loved as intensely as you do me now? You never tell me you love me anymore. But why do your kisses feel more passionate than before? You never call me baby anymore. But why does your touch feel like I’ve never been owned as selfishly as you do me now? I do not understand us. But if I start understanding, things will not be as sweet as we know them now to be.

Sending My Love

Will you let me tell you that I love you? Can I tell you that I want no one else but you? You don’t have to answer back. You don’t have to do anything. Just let me love you. Just let me take care of you. You must want to know why I’m doing this. I just want to.

You once told me you are not indispensable. And I believe so too. But the concept of indispensability is not for people or things that one values more than anything. You are neither dispensable nor indispensable. You are simply the air that I breathe, the breath that I want to smell in the morning, the touch that I want to feel, the embrace that keeps me warm, the grip that makes me not want to let go. And though present circumstances do not permit me to call you mine, when the time comes that your heart is ready to be loved again by me and me alone, I will be here waiting. But until that day comes, I will be content with sending my love to you from afar.

A MADagascar Afternoon

I lost my gym bag, all 10 lbs of it or thereabouts with 2 credit cards, 4 ATM cards, around 800 pesos, gym wear, Adidas water jug, and get this, my 20 gig iPod. And it was just literally seated beside me in SM Megamall Cinema 12.
Al and I were watching Madagascar. We were locked in embrace (Don’t ask why.), my back to my bag. There was nobody else seated in our row. There was a family seated behind us with kids and a man who I guess was in his 40s (It was dark. Hey. Cinema!?!). He was our suspect.
The movie was so funny you can just imagine how focused we were. Al was laughing like crazy and I was, well, I was busy.  Anyway, towards three-fourths of the film, the man started coughing mad. He was such a distraction but we didn’t mind. I noticed him transfer to the last seat on our row towards the inside aisle. He was still coughing. I didn’t think anything strange really. I didn’t feel any cause for alarm. There was a flurry of activities on the row behind us because of the kids. Right before the movie ends, I checked on my bag and it wasn’t there. And there was nobody seated on the row behind us anymore. Darn!
The loss wasn’t that bad really. I could apply for ID and card replacements. Hell, I could buy another iPod! On the contrary, I consider the experience priceless. There was something to be had from it. Aside from the obvious lessons (be careful with my belongings blah, blah, blah), it reminded me how it feels to be with Al. It felt so right. Despite how things turned out between us, what I felt during that afternoon made everything we’ve been through all worth it. If there is any loss I should feel bad about, it’s not my bag and what’s in it. It’s Al, my one and only baby.

Remnants

I still keep the waterjug you gave me beside me in bed so when i wake up in the middle of the night thirsty, i could just reach for it and drink. It used to be you i want to reach for when i wake up from a bad dream, when i feel scared, or when i can't sleep. But now that you've left, all i can feel in the dark are the remnants of what used to be us. The waterjug that you gave me for christmas, the paperweight that you brought from Zamboanga, the tiny teddy bear you gave me for Valentines. They are the only traces of you left in my life. I would like to think that at some point, these things actually meant something. I want to move on thinking that these things say that, before the water ebbed, before the sun set, before the flower wilted, i was once loved by you.

Drain or Recharge?

People either drain you or recharge you.
Those who drain you, they are those who frustrate, hurt, benefit from you without giving you anything in return. They are the exes who dumped you and yet continue to demand for your attention. They are the friends who talk and don't listen. They are the officemates who stretch your patience with their simple-mindedness. They are the lovers who don't love you back.
People who recharge you are those whose smiles don't fail to rub off on you. Their touch make you feel better. Their voice soothes your spirit, calms your body. They are the family you share laughters and tears with. They are the strangers who smile at you despite the anonymity. They are the officemates who thoughtfully ask you to have lunch with them so you don't have to eat alone. They are the friends who listen to your rantings about whatever. They are your bosses who give you a day off after crunch time. They are the lovers whose mere presence complete you.
So which are you?

I'm Over Him!!!

Two or three days ago, a good friend of mine was so excited to tell us how proud she was of her finally getting over this former officemate of ours who left her for the mother of his illegitimate daughter. How she got embroiled in that situation is a totally different story altogether. Now this friend of mine, after not having the inclination to talk to the guy for some time, finally was able to do that without, according to her, feeling anything for the guy anymore. Meaning, she felt totally indifferent to him, which is a sign that she’s finally over him. However, I noticed a different glow in her when she was telling us about the details of their conversation. She had a certain glow you’d probably associate only with bliss. But I believed her of course. I tend to take people’s words for their face value because I don’t think I should force my own reality to them. Anyway, just before lunch today, this same friend tells me how bad she felt about this news that she got from another friend/ex-officemate of ours about the same guy who broke her heart. Apparently, he and the supposed wife are not together anymore and that he’s living in with another girl who’s expecting a child as well. She felt bad about it but she maintains that she’s over him.
I tell her I understand why she feels that way. I’ve had the same experience when some bloke left me, telling me he realizes he’s not yet ready for a relationship (it came after almost a year) and then I find out after a few weeks that he’s going steady with somebody else. That made me really furious. If I’d seen him then, I would’ve crushed his balls. But that’s just because during that time, I was not yet over him. That’s my point. I wouldn’t have reacted at all, not have any tinge of feeling about the situation at all, if I were truly over him.
Like what I said, I don’t want to force my reality to my friend (She’s not reading this. I’m crossing my fingers.), but I really think that people only react to situations, events, people, and whatever which mean something to them. It’s their instinct to not give a care if they know there’s nothing in it for them. The natural reaction is for people to protect their own interests. I don’t blame her though for convincing us that she’s over him, however lame the effort to cover it up is. (Forgive me dear.) But that’s also part of her effort to protect herself.
I’ve been through what she’s experiencing right now. And judging from how things turned out for me, I know she will experience better days in the future. I just hope it happens really soon for her.

Chocolates=Happiness

What do chocolates do to you? Lately, they’ve had a comforting effect on me. They calm me down. They make me feel good about myself. They take away the bad vibes.
I read somewhere that chocolates have some content that releases the chemicals in the body that make people happy. I guess that’s the catch word for what chocolates do for me. They make me feel happy. So what am I writing this for? This is an announcement. I take chocolates for gifts. I know my birthday is still exactly a month from now but I don’t mind accepting gifts earlier.
But seriously, if that happiness-and-chocolates equation is true, wouldn’t it be a good idea to give every person special to you a piece of chocolate each?

a spark

I cannot find a single word that will express the whole spectrum of emotions I feel for you. I guess I just have to keep my fingers crossed and pray that whatever this is, it'll reach you wherever you go, whatever time it is, and whoever you are with. And even if I do not hear you echoe them back, I will send them your way still for I walk this earth, drink its water, and breathe its air because of you.