Evil

Evil wins sometimes.

Here's the winning face paint I did on myself that won me The Face award during our Employee Get-Together last Thursday. Yeah I know. It's straight out of Holloween. But that's the point. Despite the glaring looks I got from the more conservative people from the office, my evil face paint was tied with a, ahem, butterfly face paint for The Face award. Although I was one of the few who took the contest seriously, it was a total surprise to me that I was even considered for the top 5 best face paints because, man, there was not a few bunch who I felt were scandalized by my concept. There were a lot though who also liked it.

Cheers to everyone! Merry Christmas! I love you all.

I want my chute vest back also.

Listen to the Sound of My Heart Breaking

When I thought things are starting to pick up, when things are getting better, when I thought I’m ready to stop looking and start loving, you hit the break, you stop, you break my heart.

“I’m not mad but I know you are.”

I’m not mad. I’m sad. And for once, listen to my heart breaking.

The Sound of One Heart Breaking
By Karen Kunawicz

Ever come across this zen koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books? You know, the one that asks what the sound of one hand clapping is. I don’t know the answer to that one. But ask me what’s the sound of one heart breaking and I might have an answer. Welcome to the dark side of love.

What is the sound of one heart breaking?

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it’s the sound of a telephone that doesn’t ring, the sound or regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it’s the whispers of the toy animals he gave you. It’s the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your should shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word “goodbye,” it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it’s the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it’s the sound of a cherub’s dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid’s kitchen sink, it’s the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door. It’s the sound of the rain that doesn’t ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there’s no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of “I love you” burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lies still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love. The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic “SOS-to-the-world,” the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut. The sound of the things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound of your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn’t there, of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it’s the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it’s the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn’t always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery.

No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

juOnBox Music 16: Bitter

I have to apologize to all of you. I can’t help it. I have to let all of these emotions out. Words fail me. This song just said it all for me. I promise this is going to be the last.

Someday
Nina

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eye
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don’t really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down, and i'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

Let Go

All I wanted was to love you. But my love is humble. It can't give you the world that you want. You wanted more. So you let go.

Now I let go too. You know what they say about letting the bird go and if it comes back, holy shit. But if it doesn't come back, I'd assume it's fried chicken already. hahahaha

Shitty

If you are personally involved in this, stay away. Don't read.

"I'm not singular anymore. For 24 years, I've been looking for that person to love and share my life. I don't get into relationships back then just to experience it. I was looking for something serious and not just fun. We found each other. You found me ranting and bitching about my life, I found you there completely understanding and honest. You discovered my imperfections and I hope that you'll stay with me. I'll find ways to be better for you. Medyo natatakot lang ako na it's unfair for you. Alam mo na, di ako out and that someday, you want everyone to know about us. I can't promise anything today but to step by step, be open about my discreet identity. Unafraid to holg your hand in public, take you out on a romantic dinner, even just kiss you before I ride the bus home. Di naman PDA pero at some point, I want to show everyone, ny family, friends, and the people around us that I love you. I'll find ways to make this easier."

This made me cry when my baby texted me this a few hours after we became officially us. I took him to the bus stop on his way home. After three weeks, he breaks up with me because according to him, these past few days, he's realized that we cannot be happy together. Three reasons. (1) My selos issues, (2) my party boy comment when he raised the topic of partying in a gay scene, and (3) the fact that he prioritizes his job over me. He adds that he thought I totally don't understand him. And that he is new to the gay scene, hence, he'd want to explore it, making him not ready to "settle down."

I don't want to get into the details of how I think he decided to break up with me. I don't even know what's my point in writing all of these here.

When we started to get to know each other months ago, I've always liked him. I loved him even before it became us. This despite the "signs" which caused my friends to panic about him. I don't want to say now that they were right all along. I don't regret loving him at all. I've never loved anyone as much as I did him. But I fell in love with a guy who gave up on me easily. I guess in his book, I don't deserve a chance. That's what makes me sadder. Which reminds me how he jokingly promised how he'd make me cry, which I assumed during that time, of sweet romantic things. Oh yes I do cry now. Oh shush. This whole entry is shitty. And I stink like it.

My New Baby!

Finally! After weeks, months of contemplating on getting this, I bought myself a spanking new Nintendo DS Lite. Ok, I was planning to get the coral pink one but by providence thay ran out of stock so I got the next best color, enamel navy. I'm lovin it. I got this for a pretty good bargain. And like any tech geek, I bought it a poly-something protective case. That and these two games.

I'm lovin Trauma Center. I get to slice people up without actually hurting anyone. A perfect way to vent out feelings after, taddaaaaaah, boyfriend number 8 breaks up with me for "(1) selos issues, (2) party boy issues, and (3)priorities." I'll probably write more on this when I'm better. I'm sorry for my DS Lite, I'm on the rebound.

Walking on Shattered Glass

What do you do when you realize that the people you feel closest to, people you’ve been hanging out with for years, the people you see every day at work, whom you eat lunch with, whom you talk to when you have problems, and whose woes you listen to patiently, suddenly make you feel like shit? Everything changes in a snap.

Friday last week was supposed to be a good day. I was looking forward to it because our department would be having our Christmas party. But things changed during lunch.

I fetch my friends in their work stations. She tells me how the two of them were just talking about me when I came. I ask what about. She says I was a bitch yesterday. In my head I try to recall what I did the day before that offended her. I can’t recall. I ask her what I did because I don’t remember bitching at her. She doesn’t tell me. She just keeps saying I was a bitch. He agrees, says what’s new. We go down and buy lunch. I keep on asking her what I did. I feel bad that she feels bad and she doesn’t tell me. She buys something from the store and leaves me with him. I ask him what was wrong with her and what exactly I did wrong. Instead of telling me, he launches into a sermon, the point of which I couldn’t figure out except for the fact that it made me feel like I was covered with shit. On our way up, I couldn’t help but cry. I felt so small. The worst part was it was caused by the people I used to feel safe with.

Everything changes in a snap. I don’t talk to them now. I don’t know if I’ll talk to them again ever. I don’t mind being called a bitch. I know I am. But I do mind being made to feel shitty, especially by the people who I consider as very good friends. No I don’t expect them to adjust to my bitchiness. But I do expect that after the nearly 6 years that we have been together, they’d at least understand. And at the least they’d tell straight to my face and right away if my bitchiness hurt them in any way and not make me run after my own tail like a crazy dog.

I miss them. But I’m not going to reconcile with them and live always thinking in the back of my head if what I’m doing is offensive to them or not. Friends don’t make friends walk on ground scattered with shattered glass all the time.

Jeepney Hunks 12: Boy Wonder

JH 12 tags himself Boy Wonder. He’s got some hot pictures which make us all wonder what surprises he has in store for us.

Amici Is Pierced!

The spunk of this girl is big time! We were supposed to get our body piercing at the same time, hers on the bellybutton and mine on the right eyebrow. To make the long story short, after I asked the piercing attendant how it goes and he tells me it’s a cinch in the bellybutton but torture on the eyebrows, I chickened out. Actually, that and the fact that I was prohibited by D. But this post isn’t about me. Check out my Amici’s bellybutton camwhoring.

She is so not nervous. She usually keeps still in front of the camera. Now, she couldn’t even smile. She is so not nervous.

This is Amici’s bellybutton before the piercing.

The cutey piercing stud (hehehehe) is priming up Amici’s bellybutton for the kill.

Here’s a closer look.

Amici’s pierced bellybutton is now ready for some licking.

juOnBox Music 14: Angel

They say when words fail, sing it. These songs tell you exactly what I feel for you. When I run out words to say, or when my words tire your ears already, rest your head on my chest and listen to the beat of my heart. My heart sings the sweetest songs because it knows that you’re near, and that you are mine.

Angels Brought Me Here
Guy Sebastian

It's been a long and winding journey
But I'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
Walking back into the light
To the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When I look into your eyes

My dreams came true
When I found you
I found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see
That you're the answer to my prayers
And if you can feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Standing here before you
Feels like I've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name

My dreams came true
Right here in front of you
My miracle

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Brought me here to be with you
I'd be forever grateful (oh forever grateful)

My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here


I'm Your Angel Lyrics
Celine Dion

No Mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

Angel Of Mine Lyrics
Monica

When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of mine

I look at you, lookin' at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
I'm gonna love you boy you are so fine
Angel of Mine

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow
You came into my life sent from above
When I lost all hope you showed me love
I'm checkin' for ya boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine

Nothing means more to me than what we share
No one in this whole world can ever compare
Last night the way you moved is still on my mind
Angel of Mine

What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside I need to show
You came into my life sent from above (Sent from above)
When I lost all hope, you showed me love (Boy you showerd me love)
I'm checkin' for ya, boy you're right on time (Right on Time)
Angel of Mine (Angel of mine)

I never knew I could feel each moment
As if it were new,
Every breath that I take, the love that we make
I only share it with you (you, you, you,you)
When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine

You came into my life sent from above (Came into my life, yeah yeah yeah)
When I lost all hope you showed me love (Boy You showed me love, uh huh)
I'm shakin' for ya, boy you're right on time (But boy your right on time)
Angel of Mine (Angel of mine, oh mine)

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow

I look at you lookin' at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
I'm checkin' for ya, boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine

Jeepney Hunk 11: The Twink

There are those who like their men young. Young but legal, ok? JH 14, Boy, sates the “pedofan” in you. From the uniform he’s wearing in one of the pictures, he looks like a student in a maritime education institution. He must be studying to be one of ‘em seafarers. Naku, it must not have occurred to him yet the future that awaits him in the ship: long stretch of time trapped there with other men. I don’t know how he’ll feel about that, but I’d be excited if I were him. With Boy’s looks, I bet he’d be a fancied p*&8syboy! Hahahaha Have a great week ahead!